Dear Republicans:
Listen guys...I want to thank you for your tireless efforts to "protect" me from the gays, but at this point, I'm going to have to ask you to lay off. I mean, I wouldn't want a piece of rotting shit defending me against E. coli. Would you? I'm sure you mean well, but it's beginning to look like all of your impassioned pleas in my defense are a bit of a dog and pony show, given your inability to keep your own dicks inside the pants your wives washed and ironed for you.
To tell the truth, I'm not really all that offended by your shenanigans. I've been around for a very, very long time and frankly I got tired of being indignant about affairs back in the fourth century. Yes, I was originally conceived as a union between a man and a woman, but that was way back when y'all thought the earth was flat and slavery was cool. So maybe you could stop pretending to think that homosexuals are somehow going to ruin me for future generations.
I've survived thousands of years of philandering by horny pricks. I've been entered into for reasons as dubious as money, green cards, business arrangements, and social status. My preference, truth be told, is for two people who care enough about each other to say to the world "Hey everyone...We dig each other so we're gonna live together and share stuff. Just wanted you to know." I don't really care what color, creed, class, or particular set of genitals either party has.
What I'm trying to say, Republican Party, is that this arrangement of ours isn't really working out. At this point, it's just getting a little embarrassing. So let's do the adult thing and get a divorce, you and me.
I hope we can still be friends.
Love,
The Institution of Marriage
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