Chronically Pissed

A Letter To The Minority Party

Here’s what's up, douchebags…

Between 1994 and 2008 – the last 14 years – you controlled the U.S. House of Representatives for 12 years, the U.S. Senate for 10 years, and the White House for eight years.

As affirmed by the elections of 2006 and 2008, Americans have reached the conclusion that your reign of power was a failure, that you are very good at marketing and miserable at governing, that a continuation of your incumbency would further deteriorate the badly mangled condition we find ourselves in at the denouement of your tenure.

Americans seem to be aware that incompetence was not the only problem. They understand that your ideology, your vision for this country, is just plain wrong. All the highfalutin’ talk about free markets and spreading democracy has not worked out well for most of us – and your obsession with sexual morality just seems anachronistically silly at this point.

So…it’s time to sit down, shut the fuck up, and let the grown-ups try to clean up your mess – your stinking, shitty fucking mess. Now maybe you misunderstood President Obama’s call for bi-partisanship. What President Obama meant is that the Democrats, under the leadership of President Obama, won’t mouth fuck you with their large majorities IF you’ll accept your electoral punishment – like the little bitches you are – with an ounce of dignity. You don’t get to keep your toys. You don’t get to keep humping America’s ass with your failed ideas. You get to sit politely in the corner and try not to piss all the goddamned rug.

You don’t like President Obama’s stimulus package? President Obama’s package is too big for you? Too fucking bad, assholes. You will take it and you will like it. Your economic policies created the need for these drastic measures, so no one really gives a flying fuck what you like and what you don’t like. You know what we like? We like not being in this fucking recession you assholes created by deregulating everything in sight so that a bunch of rich fucking assholes could get richer. (Maybe if you’d tried regulating the number of cocks Larry Craig was allowed to suck, or the number of hookers David Vitter was allowed to fuck, you’d have learned the joy and value of regulation.)

So when non-President McCain says he won’t vote for the stimulus bill as it stands, I just remind myself that John McCain and his little sidecunt lost the election. When Minority Leader McConnell and Minority Whip Cantor walk their frighteningly immobile faces up to the microphone to bitch and moan about the Republicans’ concerns, I think to myself…fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Shut the fuck up. Lick my sweaty taint. You are UGLY. Ugly and stupid and wrong. You are losers. Do your wives make you wear President Obama masks when you’re fucking them?

Sorry, but I really can’t stand to watch you attempt to derail the first serious-minded attempt to save this country from the disaster you created. It’s like when there’s a horribly untalented person on American Idol, but they don’t know how horribly incompetent they are, so they just keep singing and/or talking and begging the judges to listen and insisting that they are destined to be the next American Idol. Except they’re not. They’re just horribly incompetent, untalented people who should never have been put on TV in the first place so that we wouldn’t have to sit there, feeling uncomfortable as we watch them plead for validation and relevance. They’re losers before they even walk in the room – and it’s sad.

The Twenty-Fourfeiture of Torture

Right-wingers, beside themselves over the imminent end of America’s torture program, think they have found vindication in Jack Bauer’s testimony before a Senate committee in the season premier of 24. With his trademark somber straightforwardness, Jack schools the caricatured liberals who dare to grill him about his personal use of advanced interrogation methods. Those pussies. Who the hell do they think they are, dragging Jack Fucking Bauer in to defend the tactics he has used to protect the United goddamned States of America? Nearly everyone Jack encounters in the first four hours of the season expresses their outrage that Jack is being subjected to such a fiasco. It doesn’t take long before FBI agents, skeptical of Jack and his techniques, realize that only torture can save the world.

And there you have it. Torture is good. Liberal pussies are bad. America will perish at the hands of terrorists if we don’t torture someone. Anyone. Soon!

Except that 24 is a fictional world in which nuclear, chemical, and/or biological annihilation is always less than 24 hours away. And when Jack manages to get himself into a locked room with the one person who possesses earth-shatteringly important information – as he does in every single critical situation – we, the television audience, have the benefit of knowing that the villain possesses such information as we watch Jack drill holes through various body parts. Also, Jack has always been crystal clear about his willingness to be held accountable for his actions, being fully aware that his actions, when examined in the context of an actual ticking bomb scenario, would undoubtedly be vindicated – unless the writers wanted to make a point.

Ticking bomb scenarios are the chimerical wet dreams of neo-cons. No rational human being would condemn Jack Bauer for the actions depicted on 24. If someone took my son – and if I were a freakishly brilliant super agent – I would perform unspeakably violent acts on any person who possessed information that might get him back. Admirably, Jack loves his country that much. I hope that there are agents like Jack Bauer out there, ready to take a terrorist to the mat when lives are literally hanging in the balance.

But our use of torture these last seven years has not resembled what you see on TV. We’ve simply been rounding up Arabs, refusing to charge or try them, and pretending to drown them in the hopes that they might know something. Some of them have been very bad guys, for sure. Others, it appears, were in the wrong place at the wrong time – a situation our soldiers could easily find themselves in during future conflicts. And that’s the point of the Geneva Convention. It’s a gentleman’s agreement, designed to prevent indiscriminate torture. Jack breaks the rules when it's the ONLY option - not when it's AN option, as it always is.